The first time I remember being deeply depressed was when I was 17 and went away to college. Every time my mom would call me I would dissolve into tears. I didn’t know exactly why I was sad. I knew I didn’t want to be there and that I didn’t feel in control of my life. Adult me knows now that I had just removed myself far enough away from the culture of my family to begin to start separating out what was me and what was them. Another big piece was that I had just stopped drinking. Taking alcohol out of the equation was allowing me to feel my feelings and they were leaking out everywhere. I drank heavily as a teenage girl to numb out and then decided drinking was for unevolved people when I got to college...a pretty lonely position to take as a freshman. So, what do you do with a sad girl when you don’t know how to help her? Therapy and anti-depressants, right?
I said no.
I knew that wasn’t the answer. I knew there was something behind my feelings that was real and true. The secret to myself. All the healing I ever needed if I could just start to untangle the knots around my heart. And so, I began the search to deeply know and understand Me.
Over the past 25 years, I have tried almost everything-psychedelics, Buddhist meditation, yoga, hypnosis, past life regression, acupuncture, Reiki, herbal medicine, soul retrievals, shamanic drum journeys, sound healing, astrology, psychic readings, Akashic records, bio field tuning, crystal bed therapy, EFT, plant medicine, ecstatic dance, crystal healing, therapeutic massage, traditional therapy, Hakomi therapy, and books and books and books! I threw the kitchen sink at my healing. I followed my curiosity. I followed my intuition. I kept all three eyes open-always looking, always searching for the next thing that might shift things a little bit more.
I didn’t do this in a feverish way or make it a second job. I did it with the intention of finding peace in my spirt and in my heart, more joy and more freedom. That is my one true driver of all the things that I do.
And what I found after years of devoted investigation of self and seven years of clinical practice is that the evolutionary superpower of understanding our emotions appears to have been missed. Identifying, owning and validating your emotional experience is essential to your healing. Being in denial and dismissive to our emotional truth is a self-betrayal that creates even greater pain. Nothing changes when you deny your history or your trauma, whether it is little t trauma or big T trauma.Read More