3 Ways to Forgive When You Can't/Don't Want to Talk to the Person

photo by Mikaela Gauer

photo by Mikaela Gauer

We all have someone we need to forgive.  Probably several someone’s.  Often the person we really need to begin with is ourselves. 


I have wanted to write about making peace with painful relationships and situations for a while now and this felt like the right time.  There is a lot of volatility and collective shadow that is being dredged up right now and I wanted to offer some tools that I have used in my own life. 


Forgiveness is NEVER about excusing abuse of any kind or implying that what was done was acceptable or okay.  It is about lessening the severity of the punch in the gut feeling, dialing down the shudder of revulsion or the wave of nausea that moves through you, and softening the ferocity of the anger or grief that you feel when you think of that person or that situation. 


It is creating a little bit of space between you and them so that you don’t have to carry as much pain.  Forgiveness can reduce the intensity of the trigger and the spiral of shame, blame and sadness that can come with it.  


This is a personal choice and only one you can make when it feels safe and right for you.  These are tools that you can use as a first step in softening the pain you are carrying.  They can help you work out some of the sharp edges or make peace.  The person you wish to forgive might not be alive, you might not be in contact with them, they may not be in a mental/emotional space to receive your words, or it may not be physically/emotionally safe for you to engage with them.  These tools are perfect for when you are not ready or it is not a good idea for you to be in direct communication with the person involved. 


Forgiveness Prayer

This prayer is very helpful for you to clear the strong emotions connected with anyone you are feeling discord with in your life.  You can do one person at a time.  Wave the white flag.  

Creates space, openness and healing potential between you and someone you may have a painful, sticky, contentious, uncomfortable, unresolved or otherwise can't get them out of your head relationship with. This prayer can be used for anyone-family members, ex or current partners, friends, lovers, kids, pets. It has a similar energy to a decording practice. It clears and cleans the energy within the relationship whether you are currently speaking to the person or not, whether they are alive on the physical plane or not. It will lift and lighten your energy and feelings around the relationship and create new possibility for how you connect with each other or enable you to move on. This prayer was given to me by one of my teachers and it's been incredibly healing for me.


Say the entire prayer out loud 5 times in a row (or for 5 mins if you really want to go for it!) for 21 days. 

The spirit within me forgives the spirit within _____. The spirit within _____ forgives the spirit within me. All is well between us now. We are both forgiven.

If there is any familial or ancestral involvement, use this version (ex. If you are using the prayer for a family member or a partner where your families have been involved with each other):

The spirit within me and my family forgives the spirit within _____ and _____'s family. The spirit within _____ and _____'s family forgives the spirit within me and my family. All is well between us now. We are both forgiven.


Have a Soul meeting

Get into a meditative space, grounded and focused on your breath.  Call your highest self to meet with their highest self.  You have complete safety and psychic protection in your own mind.  You are meeting with the part of them that wishes to do no harm and is full of light.  Let them know what you need to say and listen to anything they might have to share with you.  Thank them and close the meeting.  


Write Completion Letters (this is a tool created by accomplishmentcoaching.com that I have put my own words to)

This is a tool that you will use if you want to be complete with a person or situation.  Your willingness to let go and draw a line in the sand is an important piece.  You will write three letters and do them in order.  These letters are for your own process.  DO NOT send the letters.


Letter #1:  Emotions Letter-Let the person have it!  Get out all of your rage, all of your sadness, blame, guilt trips, accusations, curse words.  Don’t be evolved you.  Be blunt, honest.  Unload it until there is not one scrap that you have left unsaid.

Letter #2:  Responsibility Letter-Take a look at your side of the street.  Is there anything that you can take responsibility for?  Is there anything that you might change if you could go back in time?  Is there anything that you could have said/not said, done/not done, anything that you need to apologize for?  If this part feels hard to write, you may need to return to the first letter and get a little more emotion out.

Letter #3:  Acknowledgment Letter-Acknowledge anything of benefit that you have learned/gained through your experience with this person.  You can let know them anything you are grateful for about who they are or what they have done in their life.  You can acknowledge them for doing the best they could.  You can thank them for how they pushed you to grow or how they have helped others.  Share any acknowledgment that feels true and authentic for you!

Burn them or destroy the letters after you write them.  Release them to the Universe and set yourself free!