I sometimes refer to myself as a “closet” Type A person.
Lurking just beneath the calm exterior, Super Spreadsheet Wonder Woman is just biting her nails and checking facts and figures waiting for something to slip through the cracks.
It’s really funny when this piece of me comes out to play. I was planning a group breathwork healing circle in this ridiculously beautiful geodesic dome in Brooklyn last weekend. When you think group meditation, you probably think easy breezy. People show up, relax, receive what they need, no problem.
The problem was that this dome is outside and it was in the mid 40’s and I didn’t want people to be cold. And I didn’t want people to forget yoga mats in case they were uncomfortable. And we had limited capacity so I was really rabid with RSVP’s and confirming attendance because I wanted everyone who wanted to be there to have this experience.
The lovely owner of the dome is one of those technology holdouts that “doesn’t really check email.” I am in awe of these types. I am attempting to plan a retreat this year with a woman who every time I email her I get an auto response that is something like, “out on the wild open road! I’ll get back to you in 5 weeks!” The audacity of that kind of email freedom blows my mind. 5 weeks?! I can barely fathom it.
So Super Spreadsheet Wonder Woman was nipping at my heels like crazy. She attempts to control the uncontrollable: Life. She is this lovely facet of my personality that makes sure that my practice runs smoothly and that all of my bills are paid and that phone calls and correspondence are responded to in a timely manner.
I love her and I know that she serves a purpose for me. The very stark contrast of the energy of the healing circle and the control that I brought to it was a healing moment for me.
Control is a tool that attempts to decrease anxiety. So much is outside of our control in this life. That can feel really scary.
If you have your own internal version of Super Spreadsheet Woman, you know what I’m talking about. Doomsday thoughts can come up around what might go wrong and what might implode if you don’t have your pre-emptive hands all over it. These ‘uh oh uh oh, something might go wrong’ thoughts may have a history behind them. Maybe something went really really wrong once. Or twice. Or several times.
Control is an attempt to direct the behavior of another or to make something happen in a certain way. This is useful if you need to get things done. This is crippling if it’s the regular everyday m.o.
It’s the opposite of trust. It’s the opposite of divine will. It’s the opposite of life happens through you and not by you.
If life only works well when you orchestrate every detail, you will be exhausted. There is showing up and taking inspired action and meeting the Universe halfway…and there is holding life in an iron fist in your role as Master of the Universe. There is a balance.
I am beginning to find it. First of all, it’s WAY easier to just trust in life. I mean, that seems obvious but it’s not always the easiest place to get to. The more I do it; the more it becomes a reflex. The more I relax into knowing that everything actually will work out the way its meant to, the more I can see direct evidence in my life that this is true. I can see this shift happening very quickly now as this new paradigm is welcomed in. It just works better. Simple.
We have this window open right now (March 11th-28th) where we can make connection with our Crown Chakras. The invitation via the seventh and last Uranus Pluto square is deep; deep trust in the synchronicity of our life and to remember that we are supported. We can find peace in knowing that we are being guided if we slow down long enough to listen. We always have free will but there is available support to call on anytime we need it.
I hope you are feeling clear and charged and starting to bloom into this new season!