I started taking voice lessons about a month ago. They are totally therapy. I basically go and cry for an hour, intermingled with making some sounds.
Why would someone cry during a voice lesson? Well, all of our emotions around grief, heartbreak/ache, betrayal, inspiration, anxiety, family, sexuality, creativity and relationships are housed in the places that the breath reaches when you sing. When you open your heart and mouth and bring breath into your belly, you free up those emotions.
Our body is a storage space for our history. We hold all of our experience in our blood and bones and tissues. I have A LOT that I need to let out.
As much as what you read on this page is all real, live and direct from my heart, I was feeling something that felt like gummy cotton batting between my visceral expression and what I was putting down on the page. I’m still working with it, pushing the layers away and scrubbing the film off my voice.
Part of the lesson today was making gibberish conversation. I hate gibberish conversation. I hate it because it freaks me out and I am not comfortable with free form abstract expression. I’m very comfortable with all of the realms of the mind and spirit but when it comes to moving my body or voice in a chaotic way, I clamp down and try to control it. I’m committed to exploring this because there is something so raw and wild within me that I will sit and cry and make weird angry ugly sounds because I really really need to.
So I do it. I do it for me. I do it for you. I do it for my healing journey and for everyone I come in contact with. I am fiercely committed to self-exploration in service of bringing more love, more intimacy and more truth into the world.
In the process, I discover my edges. I think of myself as being someone who is honest with my words. I’ve always thought of myself as being honest to a fault and as someone who keeps it real even when it makes people uncomfortable. BUT, how honest am I with my words if I can’t be honest with my sounds? It was so hard to be honest with those sounds.
They weren’t pretty or cute. They were bizarre and nonsensical. They were truly free.
We all carry unwritten law in our bodies. I will be agreeable. We don't talk about that. I'm the good one. I'm the smart one. I'm the pretty one. I'm the fuck up. I'm the sad one. I'm the one everyone tip toes around. The Peace Maker is a classic.
There are roles we play in our lives that feel iron clad. There are unspoken codes of conduct that inhibit and severely limit our expression. Don’t be messy. Keep a lid on it. There are edges to how much vulnerability is allowed before it becomes shameful and embarrassing.
All of this creates an invisible cage of our own making where we can only go so far before we hit that electric fence and get zapped back into submission. Its kind of a gross image right? When we are free, we risk disappointing or angering people. We risk humiliation. We risk being cast out.
We risk losing love, which can be the scariest of all of the scary things.
Today is a New Moon in my Sun sign of Sagittarius. It is an invitation to expand yourself beyond any and all limitations. Like, wildly, insanely beyond. Let your imagination take you to the very outer edges of the most of anything you have ever imagined that could be true in your life and then…get even bigger. Smash through the barriers. Upset the apple cart. Rock the frigging boat. Raise a ruckus for yourself and your life. Push through. Break the fence. Break the rules. Take your leash off. Say something. Do something. Be something.
Do it for you. Do it for your friend. Do it for your kid. Do it for your parents. Do it for your lover. Do it for the world.
Do it because we only have today and you are done with watching time go by.