You know I like to keep it honest here. My main line is to create space so that you do not feel alone in your emotions and do not feel crazy. Crazy being a subjective word that does not honor our vast internal experience and expression but nonetheless one I know you understand.
I share my highlight reel for the most part because it's actually a true expression of my moment-to-moment experience. I feel a ton of love and inspiration and gratitude very often. Hallelujah for that. I have a beautiful life and I am conscious and actively thankful for it.
But a few days ago I was in a very bad mood. If you can feel my joy, imagine going 1000 miles an hour in the opposite direction. When I get dark, it is with the same potency and strength as my love. It's rage and longing and yearning and a sensitivity so heightened that I literally cannot stand anything. No sounds, no people, not even other's laughter. It is very painful.
Often when you feel bad, you figure out even more ways to feel bad! You feel all of the uncomfortable feelings and then you pile other feelings on top. Feelings like guilt: “Why can’t I just be happy?” or shame: “Something must be wrong with me” or frustration: “When will I ever stop feeling like this?”
It is also natural to want to assign meaning to things that happen so that we can figure them out. A common meaning that is assigned is “I’m a mess/disaster/losing my mind.” If you see your emotional states as things that are happening outside of you or happening to you, ownership of your psyche and your power is removed too. It takes all the responsibility off yourself for finding out why you feel what you feel.
Why is it important to figure out why you went there? So you can self soothe, nurture and make adjustments in the future. So you can deepen your relationship with yourself and learn more about your unique inner world. So you can take care of yourself just a little bit more.
I am beginning to be able to track back in time what leads to the perfect storm. I haven’t always been able to do this but it is a result of being able to stop completely. I turn off all the technology. I meditate. I burn a bunch of stuff-cedar, palo santo and thought forms. I clean. I stay very quiet and still. I allow.
My particular mini emo cyclone was one part not so great surprise + two parts fear + five parts disappointment + one part inner critic + one part comparison + one part embarrassment + one part feeling unseen + 2 parts anxiety + no park or beach. We’ve all got weeks where things escalate without time to process and love feels like it’s in short supply.
In those moments and really in all moments, we are our own best healer and advisor. You live in your body. You know its rhythms and intricacies.
If you can slow down enough, you can see where the holes are in your love for yourself. My wise teacher/partner Pepper said in our healing gathering last weekend that kindness is usually the first thing to go...and it was. My kindness to self had limits and holes in its fabric. I patched it up so it will be even stronger next time a storm hits.
We are currently in a 40-day Venus retrograde cycle that ends on September 7th.
It will be bringing up issues of self worth and esteem, love and money. It will provoke deep examination of our relationships, our creative process, why we do what we do, and why we love what we love.
It's a biggie. Hitting us in our tenderest spots. It’s the perfect time to dip into your shadow side and embrace all of yourself. It’s a great time for a purge of things that no longer suit you-clothing, relationships, mental habits. It could provoke some stormy emotions. You know what to do. When they hit-see if you can throw unprecedented amounts of love at yourself. Like more than you think you can possibly contain. And then give yourself more. And then pile on even more until you have saturated every single cell with light.