I finally realized I was “Enough” on October 22, 2016. I was standing in a circle around a fire on retreat with my teacher. Two days before I had felt a rush of shame come through my body. The mean voice in my head that criticizes and judges me was strong. I called myself out. I admitted to everyone in the group that I was feeling small and comparing myself. It felt good to say it out loud.
We were offering prayers to loved ones of people in the group who were really sick or struggling or who had died. Sprinkling sage, tobacco, corn, rose petals, pinon needles and other offerings to the Earth on the fire. As I was listening to fellow friends and seekers talk about two-year-old nephews with terminal illnesses, sisters with brain cancer, and friends who died too young, a piece of my healing clicked in.
“Who the f*ck are you to not be good enough? (this is the voice of my encouraging inner football coach talking!) People have terminal diseases and you in your healthy body with your bright mind and all your skills aren’t good enough? What?!”
I was actually appalled with myself. That I had created this tiny cage and put myself in it. In that moment, it felt like blasphemy to have ever put myself down. To have ever disregarded myself or disrespected my life. And just like that, good enough was locked in. It only took me 41 years to do it. I’ve gone at this one hard in about a bazillion different ways. It all mattered and it all added up to this moment. Now, I can’t even remember why I wasn’t good enough. Something about the color of my teeth or the lack of muscle tone in my thighs or how much I sit around when I should be doing something.Read More